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Falling Skies

20 Apr

I started watching this show for the same reasons everyone else did:

1. There isn’t much on TV during the summer.

2. Falling Skies is produced by Steven Spielberg, so there is a small chance that at any moment, raptors could attack and slaughter everyone. None of us would see it coming, because that’s the thing about a raptor attack, it always happens when you least expect it.

I would draw a pretty close parallel between the 1st season of Falling Skies and the 2nd season of The Walking Dead. We enjoyed the first season of The Walking Dead so much, and the premise has so much potential that although the 2nd season was objectively boring and pointless, the show had so much potential for awesomeness that we stuck around and patiently waited for things to get good.

Falling Skies has boat loads of potential: a talented cast, a post-apocalyptic setting, and aliens. The problem is that for every part of the story that you can’t help but like, there are just as many heavy-handed cliches that are impossible to ignore. From the gruff bad-but-sort-of-good-guy-who-can’t-be-trusted-but-in-the-end-does-the-right-thing to the stereotypical older guy “scientist” who is somehow the only one who understands how a radio works, and of course its his innovation that saves the day in the end. And don’t forget about the hot-but-tough-as nails-blonde-who-pretends-not-to-care-about-any-of-the-main-characters-but-really-does. I want to like these characters, but in order for this show to rise from tolerable to awesome, they must to move away from cliches and happy endings. What is the point of developing a character and putting them into a firefight with an alien death machine if you aren’t going  to make the audience think that they might be in real danger? If we know that any conflict will eventually work itself out and everything will be OK, then it isn’t really a conflict at all. (ahem, every romantic comedy ever, ahem) This first season also didn’t involve much, if any character development. We get it, this guy loves his kids, you know who else would look out for their kids in a post apocalyptic hellscape? EVERYONE WHO HAS KIDS! The writers of Falling Skies have given each character one (at the most) motivation, and they will beat us over the head with it until the explosions start about three-fourths of the way through any given episode.

***SPOILER ALERT*** No, I just can’t gloss over the fact that the aliens who killed billions of people and defeated the joint military strength of the entire planet in just a few days have a weakness that we can exploit, real original everyone, nice work. Does Jeff Goldblum hack their system with a mac that has slightly more RAM than a good calculator? nope. Are they inexplicably allergic to water? nope. Do they suddenly get home sick and decide to leave? nope. They are actually amazingly sensitive to something that is almost as common on earth as water: RADIO WAVES! Do you have any idea how many frequencies of radio waves are not only bouncing around the planet 24/7, but are also being shot into space in every direction! All our military had to do to defeat a far superior race was jam ONE radio frequency? And instead of instantly switching to a new frequency, or, I don’t know, turning their radios off while they slaughter this group of humans, they run away! As if the idea that anyone could jam a radio signal is TOTALLY NEW TO THEM!!! Radio jamming technology is approximately  as old as radios. So the answer to saving the human race was cutting edge technology from the 1930′s. What an amazing twist, guys. Great work. ***END SPOILER ALERT***

Hopefully, season 2 (premiering June 17th) will lead to some much-needed character development, bigger explosions, and hopefully a few raptor attacks. But if it doesn’t, I’m done with this show. On the other hand…  I guess there really isn’t much on to watch during the summer…

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Louie

21 Oct

There are lots of shows on TV that can make you laugh or cry. (If you didn’t feel something at the end of the 4th season of Dexter you are dead inside). But every now and then a show comes along that makes you see your mundane life differently.

Louie is based on the life/stand up comedy of Louis C.K. When I sat down to watch this show for the first time, I expected a quirky off-beat comedy with a few too many fart jokes. But what I got was an honest, profound perspective on the human condition, and a just the right amount of fart jokes. Once or twice in a generation, a comedian comes along that does more than make you laugh. Comedy is his canvas, but he delves into the ups and downs of every day life that we all deal with on a more profound level than most psychology text books. Of course, no comedian would ever admit to doing any of these things. Comedy, by definition, can’t take itself seriously. But I”m not a comedian, so I can take it seriously if I want to.

But I digress. Louis C. K. writes, directs and stars in Louie. Its just one more amazing show brought to us by the good people at FX. If you aren’t watching Louie, Wilfred, and The League, you are truly missing out on some of the best shows on TV. The major networks can keep blowing tens of millions on crappy, crap-filled craptastic sacks of crap like The Playboy Club, Pan Am, Terra Nova, and Whitney. Because shows like Louie will always be hovering on the edge of popularity showing us that TV can do a lot more than make us laugh or cry.

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Terra Nova

12 Oct
Terra Nova Concept Art

Terra Nova Concept Art

Terra Nova is set 85 million years in the past and follows a settlement of time travelers that have been sent to the past to find convenient plot devices. The pilot alone cost just over $20 million to produce. Other writers might use this opportunity to take a cheap shot and give you a few examples of better ways to have spent that $20 million, but I’m going to take the high road and only give you one: buying up the world’s remaining supply of Beanie Babies and jumping onto the pile from a gold plated blimp, Scrooge McDuck style.

I intentionally waited for the first few episodes of Terra Nova to air before I wrote my review. The premise was relatively original, and there are dinosaurs so how bad could it be? The answer: pretty bad. I could ramble on for a few thousand words about how the acting is largely cliche’d or how the story lines fail to be comprehensible or engaging, but none of you are going to read that and I have Cheetos that I need to powder and stir into my milk (I have my reasons). This past episode showed so little respect for the intelligence of its viewers that I had to watch Jersey Shore reruns just to restore my faith in humanity.

I know that the promos for this show make it look like Lost + Jurassic Park = Awesome. But a more accurate equation would be Jurassic Park – Everything You Liked About Lost = Sucktastic. Hopefully FOX will come to its senses and put this show out of our misery soon. But in the mean time, please don’t watch the show ironically or out of curiosity. And don’t stir powdered Cheetos into your milk. Its really gross.

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hE!lp

20 Sep

 Good evening. I recently decided to watch one network for 12 hrs straight and relay my opinions to you, my readers. This was a terrible idea for two reasons. First of all, I left the choice of network up to my valued readers. By “valued” I mean, people who hate me. Why do you read this blog if you carry such a deep seeded resentment towards its author? The average KKK Grand Dragon hates the Civil Rights Act less than you (statistically speaking) hate me. There were over twenty choices of networks that you people could have voted for and yet somehow E! was the overwhelming winner. I’m always one to respect my own arbitrary rules, so below is the journal I kept during my 12 hr trip into the depths of America’s {insert whatever body part grosses you out the most here}. Everything in parenthesis is commentary that I added once I had stopped weeping and screaming for the voices to stop.

Hour 1: Maybe this won’t be so bad. E! has advertisers, so that means they must have a few viewers. How terrible can 12 hrs of entertainment news be? I’m going to keep an open mind and make the best of this.

Hour 2: Ok, so far its just Sex and the City re-runs. In case you aren’t familiar, Sex and the City is about four classy prostitutes living in NYC. It has a running sub plot about how voice over is a really cheap way to get out of actually telling a story.

Hour 3: Still Sex and the City re runs. I hate this show…  I guess I’m starting to see why it is popular. I mean, Sarah Jessica Parker’s face looks like a foot, but her character is just trying to find happiness in this crazy mixed up world of ours. Being a rich, attractive single white female living in a cool apartment is tough. They just want to find love! I am such a Samantha! I love shoes! (At this point my roommate’s dog left the room out of shame)

Hour 4: Alright, finally some entertainment news. Lets do this. Looks like some unwashed prostitutes are angry at some muscular Umpa-Lumpas. Lots of people who look vaguely familiar to me are getting arrested/divorced/pregnant. This is a lot like reading my Facebook news feed.

Hour 5: I’m starting to think this channel is just an excuse to advertise Dancing with the Stars. I tried to watch the last season premier but its only recently that I’ve reached the depths of self-hatred needed to follow through with that kind of decision.

Hour 6: OK, so I think we need a solid definition of what a “celebrity” is. I thought a celebrity was someone who had had a major influence on American culture and as a result they were often followed around by fans and photographers who just wanted to catch a glimpse of this juggernaut in the entertainment industry who as been tirelessly honing their craft for years, if not decades. But now a celebrity is anyone who has gained any level of notoriety ever anywhere at any time. And much like the supreme court, its a lifetime membership and underwear is optional. Did you play a minor character in a 80′s cult classic comedy? Congratulations, your arrest for possession of cocaine 30 years later will make headlines on E! in the middle of a weekday afternoon. (It was halfway through hour 6 that things really got bad. I would have traded at least one testicle to change the channel to Comedy Central at this point.)

Hour 7: This was a really bad idea. One of my teeth falls out every time Ryan Seacrest welcomes me to something. I hate him so much. Don’t get me wrong, he is great at what he does. But I hate him. I hate him for making this sad drivel sound like something that matters.

Hour 8: Wow, Ryan Seacrest is only 8 inches tall? Good for him. He must be the most successful elf of all time [citation needed].

Hour 9:  What bet did Hugh Jackman lose that forced him to sign onto Rockem Sockem Robots: The Movie? Maybe him and Nick Cage are competing to see who can make me hate Hollywood more. (That seems unlikely)

Hour 10: Why shouldn’t I? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t do it! Only two more hours to go? Touche. (Committing suicide using that meat hammer seemed like a chore anyway)

Hour 11: The Soup just rode into my life like a handsome prince on a white steed (I’m not gay, but lets face it: after watching over ten hours of E! I’m at least gayer). I love this show. Admittedly making fun of B list celebrities may seem a little too easy (this doesn’t apply to this article. This article is a timeless classic that is forever altering your perspective) but they do a good job. Its clever, its fun, and they have an entire segment devoted to mocking their own network. It makes me think that at least a few people over at E! don’t take themselves too seriously.

Hour 12: I feel like I just woke up from a coma. Is Obama still president? Will the sun still rise in the morning? Do the tides still rise and fall? I just stepped outside and breathed air that wasn’t choked with Cheetos dust and shame. This feels good. And once I get control of my extremities I’ll be fine. E! is a network, their job is to produce content that appeals to their target demographic, and that is exactly what they do. Its not their fault that their target demographic is people in waiting rooms, death row inmates, and women (I just realized how sexist this sounds, but numbers don’t lie [citation needed]).

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Mad Men

19 Aug

First of all, I live in the wrong decade. I, like every male who has watched Mad Men, feel that I should have lived in a world where sexual harassment is not only accepted, it is actually in the job description of every executive at every company anywhere. There are tickle-fetish porn sites that are less degrading to women than the average account manager at Sterling-Cooper. Its true, women weren’t always treated fairly in the workplace in the past. We are all sorry it happened. If every other episode of this series weren’t devoted to showing how hard life was in the 60′s for everyone other than white males I would have enjoyed the show more. Of course, pretty much everyone who wasn’t a white male was treated pretty poorly in the 60′s… so there is that.

(PRO TIP: DO NOT WATCH MORE THAN 3 EPISODES OF MAD MEN BACK TO BACK! I WATCHED ALL FOUR SEASONS IN TWO WEEKS AND THAT WAS IN JUNE. THE LAST 2 MONTHS HAVE BEEN A HAZE OF CIGARETTE SMOKE AND SCOTCH. I can’t remember exactly where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. I just know that I have 8 workplace sexual harassment lawsuits pending against me, and my company does not employ any women. I should really start reading some of these papers I’m constantly being served.)

 

As sharply produced as Mad Men is, I can’t help but feel like it isn’t a %100 accurate depiction of the decade during which the show takes place. I can’t know for sure because I spent most of the 60′s in prison, but I’m assuming that all women weren’t amazingly attractive 50 years ago. It seems like every secretary, waitress, babysitter, and stewardess in the 60′s was far more attractive than the average fashion model is today. If they ever invent time travel, I think I know where (when?) many men’s first stop will be.

Despite a bit of preachy-ness Mad Men is nothing if not character driven and beautifully written. The story lines are compelling and the dialog is generally witty and concise. If you are a sad shadow of your former self  lucky enough to have a girlfriend or wife who watches TV with you on a regular basis. This show is an excellent compromise. Enough of the plot revolves around relationships, hat-wearing and meaningful glances for women to stay entertained. But there is also lots of manly handshaking, yelling, smoking, liquor drinking, and hat-wearing. And that will keep most men interested in the show as well.

So if you haven’t yet, go on Netflix and check out the first four seasons of Mad Men. Like almost every show on AMC it is, despite a few shortcomings, a masterpiece. I have no doubt that this show will continue to entertain its ever growing audience. It is a snapshot of our society as we tested the limits of our democracy in a world every bit as terrifying and unstable as the one we live in today. But this look back at where we have been as a country cannot help but beg one all important question: When are we going to finally see new episodes of The Walking Dead?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Voice

02 May

In case you haven’t seen the show the idea behind the show is that all that  matters in this first round of auditions is how a voice sounds. They don’t know how a person looks or how well they can dance, or even how good of a performer they happen to be. All that matters is how they sound. The four “coaches” (Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton) sit with their backs to the performers and listen to them sing. At any point during the song one of the judges can choose that singer to be on their team by pushing the giant red button in front of them that rotates their chair to face the performer. Once the performer has finished their song the judges will comment on what they did/didn’t like about the performer and explain why they would/wouldn’t like that singer to compete on their team. Many of the contestants had more than one judge choose them to be on their team. When this happens it is the contestant’s choice as to who becomes their coach for the duration of their time on the show.

The premise is not what makes this such an amazing show. The set is beautifully designed, and Carson Daly does a fine job hosting the show, but from an entertainment standpoint, this show is all about the coaches.  Not only are all four of them unquestionably qualified to find the “next big thing”, but to be perfectly honest, these guys may be over qualified to coach amateurs in a TV singing competition. These 4 singers are legends (to different degrees) in their genres and the opportunity that the contestants have to learn from such talented singers is pretty mind-boggling.  Not to mention the fact that a no-name housewife from the mid-west can be in the position to have Cee Lo and Christina Aguilera trying to lure that contestant to their team. Awesome. Yes, the four coaches are musically talented, but they also have great personalities that make for some very entertaining back and forth.

Yes, I do hope this show makes lots and lots of money for NBC so that they will continue to crank out quality programming like Community and 30 Rock. But more than that, I’m just excited to watch the show tomorrow night.

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Glee

21 Apr

Yes, this is a little too easy, but stick with me.

Any show can be viewed from either the perspective of the audience or the view from behind the scenes. Those of us who enjoy TV watch a show and judge it based on how it relates to us, the quality of its production, and how it makes us feel. Executives at any given network look at a somewhat different list of qualities. Does this show fit the demographic of people that are watching TV during this time slot? Does it lead to multiple sources of revenue for the network? Is it attractive to advertisers? Will people watch the show? etc.

Lets start with how Glee looks from behind the scenes. It is doing very well in the ratings. It wins its time slot pretty much every Tuesday. The albums and songs sold on iTunes have made millions. It is (more or less) a family oriented show perfect for the “family hour” audience. So kudos to the suits over at Fox. Its a money machine and its showing no signs of stopping. Nice work.

On the other hand, lets take a look at this show from, well, my perspective. I get to do this because this is my blog. I know, its crazy. The qualifications needed to start a blog are pretty high, but I’ve worked hard and its great to have made it this far. Anyway, my point is that Glee sucks. This show is full of poor acting, flat characters, forgettable writing, clichéd story lines and terrible  music.  ”Terrible” isn’t enough. If  some show on Fox wants to have attractive mediocre singers perform crappy pop songs thats fine. I couldn’t care less. But Glee has crossed a line. There are a few songs and artists that shouldn’t be touched just like there are some movies that shouldn’t be remade. So, since we shouldn’t ever remake Citizen Kane we don’t ever need to musically molest Journey. I could give you a few more colorful examples but I think you get the point. Glee has violated classic song after classic song and it makes me sick. Songs that have changed the way we all see the world shouldn’t be diluted, dumbed down and made into one more formulaic, poorly choreographed piece of Couric that is smeared all over America’s TVs once a week. I have a lot more ranting to do on this subject, but I’m going to tone it down because some language is to graphic for the internet.

I am eagerly anticipating the day that this show goes off the air. Sadly, I fear this day may not come soon enough to prevent further damage to the next generation’s perception of some of the greatest songs ever written.

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Community

01 Apr

The only problem this show has is that the writers somehow forgot how amazingly stupid the average American is. Community fits more pop culture refrences, more dry wit, and more ground breaking self awareness into each line of dialog than any 6 seasons of Seinfeld and Family Guy combined could ever muster. America can’t even keep up with the speed at which high quality humor explodes from this masterpiece. If you don’t like Community its because YOU DON”T GET IT. Its funny, so if you think it isn’t one of the smartest comedies you’ve ever seen that just means its over your head.
Jeff Winger is adequately played by Joel McHale, but the amazing comedic gems in this series are Troy and Abed. Possibly one of the coolest pairs to ever grace the small screen. Each week they create trends that are too cool to catch on in your social circles.
In 20 years no one will remember the The Mentalist,Two and a Half Men, Rules of Engagement, or The Mentalist. Your kids are going to be quoting Abed and Troy and watching shows whose writing was influenced by the fourth-wall-smashing genius that is Community.

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