Good evening. I recently decided to watch one network for 12 hrs straight and relay my opinions to you, my readers. This was a terrible idea for two reasons. First of all, I left the choice of network up to my valued readers. By “valued” I mean, people who hate me. Why do you read this blog if you carry such a deep seeded resentment towards its author? The average KKK Grand Dragon hates the Civil Rights Act less than you (statistically speaking) hate me. There were over twenty choices of networks that you people could have voted for and yet somehow E! was the overwhelming winner. I’m always one to respect my own arbitrary rules, so below is the journal I kept during my 12 hr trip into the depths of America’s {insert whatever body part grosses you out the most here}. Everything in parenthesis is commentary that I added once I had stopped weeping and screaming for the voices to stop.
Hour 1: Maybe this won’t be so bad. E! has advertisers, so that means they must have a few viewers. How terrible can 12 hrs of entertainment news be? I’m going to keep an open mind and make the best of this.
Hour 2: Ok, so far its just Sex and the City re-runs. In case you aren’t familiar, Sex and the City is about four classy prostitutes living in NYC. It has a running sub plot about how voice over is a really cheap way to get out of actually telling a story.
Hour 3: Still Sex and the City re runs. I hate this show… I guess I’m starting to see why it is popular. I mean, Sarah Jessica Parker’s face looks like a foot, but her character is just trying to find happiness in this crazy mixed up world of ours. Being a rich, attractive single white female living in a cool apartment is tough. They just want to find love! I am such a Samantha! I love shoes! (At this point my roommate’s dog left the room out of shame)
Hour 4: Alright, finally some entertainment news. Lets do this. Looks like some unwashed prostitutes are angry at some muscular Umpa-Lumpas. Lots of people who look vaguely familiar to me are getting arrested/divorced/pregnant. This is a lot like reading my Facebook news feed.
Hour 5: I’m starting to think this channel is just an excuse to advertise Dancing with the Stars. I tried to watch the last season premier but its only recently that I’ve reached the depths of self-hatred needed to follow through with that kind of decision.
Hour 6: OK, so I think we need a solid definition of what a “celebrity” is. I thought a celebrity was someone who had had a major influence on American culture and as a result they were often followed around by fans and photographers who just wanted to catch a glimpse of this juggernaut in the entertainment industry who as been tirelessly honing their craft for years, if not decades. But now a celebrity is anyone who has gained any level of notoriety ever anywhere at any time. And much like the supreme court, its a lifetime membership and underwear is optional. Did you play a minor character in a 80′s cult classic comedy? Congratulations, your arrest for possession of cocaine 30 years later will make headlines on E! in the middle of a weekday afternoon. (It was halfway through hour 6 that things really got bad. I would have traded at least one testicle to change the channel to Comedy Central at this point.)
Hour 7: This was a really bad idea. One of my teeth falls out every time Ryan Seacrest welcomes me to something. I hate him so much. Don’t get me wrong, he is great at what he does. But I hate him. I hate him for making this sad drivel sound like something that matters.
Hour 8: Wow, Ryan Seacrest is only 8 inches tall? Good for him. He must be the most successful elf of all time [citation needed].
Hour 9: What bet did Hugh Jackman lose that forced him to sign onto Rockem Sockem Robots: The Movie? Maybe him and Nick Cage are competing to see who can make me hate Hollywood more. (That seems unlikely)
Hour 10: Why shouldn’t I? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t do it! Only two more hours to go? Touche. (Committing suicide using that meat hammer seemed like a chore anyway)
Hour 11: The Soup just rode into my life like a handsome prince on a white steed (I’m not gay, but lets face it: after watching over ten hours of E! I’m at least gayer). I love this show. Admittedly making fun of B list celebrities may seem a little too easy (this doesn’t apply to this article. This article is a timeless classic that is forever altering your perspective) but they do a good job. Its clever, its fun, and they have an entire segment devoted to mocking their own network. It makes me think that at least a few people over at E! don’t take themselves too seriously.
Hour 12: I feel like I just woke up from a coma. Is Obama still president? Will the sun still rise in the morning? Do the tides still rise and fall? I just stepped outside and breathed air that wasn’t choked with Cheetos dust and shame. This feels good. And once I get control of my extremities I’ll be fine. E! is a network, their job is to produce content that appeals to their target demographic, and that is exactly what they do. Its not their fault that their target demographic is people in waiting rooms, death row inmates, and women (I just realized how sexist this sounds, but numbers don’t lie [citation needed]).
There are lots of shows on TV that can make you laugh or cry. (If you didn’t feel something at the end of the 4th season of Dexter you are dead inside). But every now and then a show comes along that makes you see your mundane life differently.
